Hurried Existential Meanderings
This should be just a quick check-in, because I have soooo much shit to do, but I fear it might go on too long. Sorry. I guess it's related mildly to my academic work. Let's pretend that it is.
So I'm finishing up W&P. It's sad, you know, like saying goodbye to some good friends. And my favorite character dies. He just sloughs off his mortal coil, and as he dies (this is how you can tell Tolstoy is a totally rockin' writer), his death becomes something more, becomes a sort of cause of renewed questioning for me. All through the book, this is the guy who recognizes the chaos of the world, and sees it for what it is: he delves into his self and his family, just trying to make things work on his own. And then at the end, he sees that it's not enough, that he needs some sort of belief system to base it all on. It's your classic death bed conversion type thing, except he's really thinking things through, doing it real cerebral-like. And what he's saying makes sense. That is scary.
So I'm driving through the murky fog after class, listening to Modest Mouse and thinking of death. What is scary is that thinking everything out, dissecting details, all that stuff that I do too much of lately might not be enough. And I think that is what Tolstoy is trying to say. He's critiquing Andrew for thinking this crap and not having any beliefs to back it up. Which I mean, makes sense, because Tolstoy was a bit of a religious freak. But it also makes sense if you really think about it in an un-freak-like manner. What if none of this is enough, that when push comes to shove, your piddly little existentialist thoughts are just that--piddly. And stupid. What if thinking is wrong if it is thought for the sake of thought and not thought for the sake of belief? I know this makes no sense. But it's just scary thinking that tthe things you chcoose to hang onto in this chaotic world may not be that strong after all.
So that's where I stand right now. I am questioning things in the time in between my finishing up War and Peace and writing about Pope. So basically I'm not thinking this out in the way that it should be thought out. I don't know.
As I go, I will leave you a list of the things that I am currently obsessed with, for this week at least.
1) Michael Stipe. I think that I should be obsessed with a bald man at all times. It keeps the planets in alignment.
2) Getting a publishing job in NY next year. Need money. Need job. One track mind. (This will almost certainly fade.)
3) Fall. I am certainly feeling very fall-like. Matt and I are (cheesily) going to a pumpkin farm this weekend as a study break. We are going to drink apple cider and buy some homemade apple butter and some pie pumpkins.
4) The Rape of the Lock. This is a necessity as I want to get an A on my paper.
5) My three new favorite movies--Saved!, Goodbye Lenin, and Eternal Sunshine (esp. Eternal Sunshine). I have been telling everyone about them, even my mother, who was a little shocked by my excitedness.
On that note, I will retire. I need to read some Welty before class today, and the Pope looms over me like an aura of death. Ho hum. Have a good un.
So I'm finishing up W&P. It's sad, you know, like saying goodbye to some good friends. And my favorite character dies. He just sloughs off his mortal coil, and as he dies (this is how you can tell Tolstoy is a totally rockin' writer), his death becomes something more, becomes a sort of cause of renewed questioning for me. All through the book, this is the guy who recognizes the chaos of the world, and sees it for what it is: he delves into his self and his family, just trying to make things work on his own. And then at the end, he sees that it's not enough, that he needs some sort of belief system to base it all on. It's your classic death bed conversion type thing, except he's really thinking things through, doing it real cerebral-like. And what he's saying makes sense. That is scary.
So I'm driving through the murky fog after class, listening to Modest Mouse and thinking of death. What is scary is that thinking everything out, dissecting details, all that stuff that I do too much of lately might not be enough. And I think that is what Tolstoy is trying to say. He's critiquing Andrew for thinking this crap and not having any beliefs to back it up. Which I mean, makes sense, because Tolstoy was a bit of a religious freak. But it also makes sense if you really think about it in an un-freak-like manner. What if none of this is enough, that when push comes to shove, your piddly little existentialist thoughts are just that--piddly. And stupid. What if thinking is wrong if it is thought for the sake of thought and not thought for the sake of belief? I know this makes no sense. But it's just scary thinking that tthe things you chcoose to hang onto in this chaotic world may not be that strong after all.
So that's where I stand right now. I am questioning things in the time in between my finishing up War and Peace and writing about Pope. So basically I'm not thinking this out in the way that it should be thought out. I don't know.
As I go, I will leave you a list of the things that I am currently obsessed with, for this week at least.
1) Michael Stipe. I think that I should be obsessed with a bald man at all times. It keeps the planets in alignment.
2) Getting a publishing job in NY next year. Need money. Need job. One track mind. (This will almost certainly fade.)
3) Fall. I am certainly feeling very fall-like. Matt and I are (cheesily) going to a pumpkin farm this weekend as a study break. We are going to drink apple cider and buy some homemade apple butter and some pie pumpkins.
4) The Rape of the Lock. This is a necessity as I want to get an A on my paper.
5) My three new favorite movies--Saved!, Goodbye Lenin, and Eternal Sunshine (esp. Eternal Sunshine). I have been telling everyone about them, even my mother, who was a little shocked by my excitedness.
On that note, I will retire. I need to read some Welty before class today, and the Pope looms over me like an aura of death. Ho hum. Have a good un.
posted by Southern Belle at 10:52 AM
1 Comments:
sadly enough...
a.) i too am obsessing over such deep thoughts, or rather, because of a paper, too much early ninties Pearl Jam, and some subjection to some bad porn, i am thinking about the perfectability of man, new rennaisances, and orginal sin.
b.) i had a friend who was DEEPLY obsessed with Michael Stipe...for years
c.) my first introduction to Pope came through a comic book about the Devil
-Kathleen
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