An Epistillary Post
Dear Man Who Flipped Me off On San Pablo Avenue Today,
Did you know you were jay walking? See, because you weren't inside of those huge white lines that stretch the length of the road ONE BLOCK OVER, I am, according to the law of the great state of California, allowed to speed right past you. You were the one who was in the wrong. If you had been within those lovely white lines, I would have loved to stop for you and to silently thank heavens above that I have a car and aren't a poor walking fool like yourself. Hell, I might have even managed a little wave, or a nod, or even a sly smile. But no, you had to saunter through the middle of the road, and then get pissed that I didn't bother to obey the laws of the invisible planet Asshat where you seem to have immigrated from.
Oh, and by the way, you might want to rethink that sweatpants/t-shirt combo. A gray t-shirt and elastic-ankled gray sweatpants, while monochromatic, is not a good combo, especially when paired with fluffy 1980's-Barbie hair. Hell, if you hadn't looked like a total beast, I might have stopped just to be nice, even though you were clearly in the wrong. So clean yourself up, and go read the California Drivers Manual.
Have a nice day, asspack,
Morgan
Dear Soup Loving Cafe Caller,
Please call me again. I have waited for three days, through cream of potato day, black bean and onion day, and now through butternut squash day for you to bless our cafe with your presence. I love your enthusiasm for over-priced soups, your flamboyantly wonderful voice asking about the soup of the day and then showing your excitement and/or derision over said soup. And it's not just me. We all love it--it brings our days such light, such wonder away from our turmoil of serving nicoise salads to overeducated loons discussing Beethoven and Bach and whatever else they talk about.
So give us a call tomorrow and ask about the soup. And then stop by and buy some. You won't regret it.
Have a good day, soup man,
Morgan
Did you know you were jay walking? See, because you weren't inside of those huge white lines that stretch the length of the road ONE BLOCK OVER, I am, according to the law of the great state of California, allowed to speed right past you. You were the one who was in the wrong. If you had been within those lovely white lines, I would have loved to stop for you and to silently thank heavens above that I have a car and aren't a poor walking fool like yourself. Hell, I might have even managed a little wave, or a nod, or even a sly smile. But no, you had to saunter through the middle of the road, and then get pissed that I didn't bother to obey the laws of the invisible planet Asshat where you seem to have immigrated from.
Oh, and by the way, you might want to rethink that sweatpants/t-shirt combo. A gray t-shirt and elastic-ankled gray sweatpants, while monochromatic, is not a good combo, especially when paired with fluffy 1980's-Barbie hair. Hell, if you hadn't looked like a total beast, I might have stopped just to be nice, even though you were clearly in the wrong. So clean yourself up, and go read the California Drivers Manual.
Have a nice day, asspack,
Morgan
Dear Soup Loving Cafe Caller,
Please call me again. I have waited for three days, through cream of potato day, black bean and onion day, and now through butternut squash day for you to bless our cafe with your presence. I love your enthusiasm for over-priced soups, your flamboyantly wonderful voice asking about the soup of the day and then showing your excitement and/or derision over said soup. And it's not just me. We all love it--it brings our days such light, such wonder away from our turmoil of serving nicoise salads to overeducated loons discussing Beethoven and Bach and whatever else they talk about.
So give us a call tomorrow and ask about the soup. And then stop by and buy some. You won't regret it.
Have a good day, soup man,
Morgan
posted by Southern Belle at 4:37 PM
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