Letter of Truth: I'm in San Fran, Ya'll!
Dear ya'll,
Hey guys! It's me, Britney, again! Whassup!!! Wow, it has been so long. I swear, ya'll, I have been so busy! Who knew that having a baby was so much work. I mean, first he needs his diaper changed, then he needs to be fed. I mean, ya'll I swear, it is hard. I need some BRITNEY time. You know what I mean? I need some time just to be me where I can throw back a can of Red Bull and walk around without my shoes and put Oreos in the deep fryer. I NEED TO CHILL. So, I came up here to stay with Morgan. And you know ya'll, she is so cool. She even buys me Organic Cheese Puffs (which I think is the same as Cheeto's, only different) at Trader Joe's and she puts a little vodka in my Red Bull because that's just the way I like it. And she said tonight we'd go out to the Market Street Sephora and try on sparkly eye makeup and then we'll go to some dive bar and get drunk on Long Island Ice Teas and accidentally throw up all over someone's chicken wings before stumbling out to sit on the sidewalk and just laugh and laugh and then, wow, I know it's weird but this sidewalk is awfully comfortable and maybe I should just lay down for a few minutes and rest my eyes. SHE PROMISED! And then in the morning, we'll wake up all hung over and everything and wondering where we left our bras, and oh my God I hope I didn't leave mine in that bar...oh wait, it's just right here on the sofa. And then we'll pad into the living room and eat some greasy tacos while we watch Mean Girls and moan all day. Won't that be fun? YOU DAMN RIGHT, IT'LL BE FUN!
Because shit ya'll, I don't know if I ought to be telling you this or not, but I'm going to be a single woman. A SINGLE MOTHER, which is harder than being just a single woman, because, well, you know, you're a mother. To a baby, which is kind of like being a mother to a dog, but a lot harder. BUT ANYWAY, my husband, who I don't even think I should call that anymore, is just such a sack of shit. YES, I SAID IT. He just doesn't understand that when you have a baby with a LADY, you are not supposed to smoke weed all the time and talk about your "shizzle" and braid your hair and sit around counting your money. You are supposed to be nice to everyone and change diapers because baby poop will not mess with your flow, you rat-faced, free-loading bastard. YES, I SAID THAT TOO. So I am just through with that. I am going to find me a nice man here in Northern California, maybe someone who graduated from high school, and he is going to rub my feet and bring me roses and when we do our reality show and he has a special message for me, it will be something that he actually writes, and not something that my mom scribbled out while she was having one of her "fits". And I am going to live happily ever after and everyone will say "Kevin Who?" and also "Jessica Simpson Who?" because she is such an upstaging bitch, and I just want to remind everyone that I WAS HERE FIRST!
So yeah. We're going to Sephora. Don't wait up.
Love ya'll,
Britney
Hey guys! It's me, Britney, again! Whassup!!! Wow, it has been so long. I swear, ya'll, I have been so busy! Who knew that having a baby was so much work. I mean, first he needs his diaper changed, then he needs to be fed. I mean, ya'll I swear, it is hard. I need some BRITNEY time. You know what I mean? I need some time just to be me where I can throw back a can of Red Bull and walk around without my shoes and put Oreos in the deep fryer. I NEED TO CHILL. So, I came up here to stay with Morgan. And you know ya'll, she is so cool. She even buys me Organic Cheese Puffs (which I think is the same as Cheeto's, only different) at Trader Joe's and she puts a little vodka in my Red Bull because that's just the way I like it. And she said tonight we'd go out to the Market Street Sephora and try on sparkly eye makeup and then we'll go to some dive bar and get drunk on Long Island Ice Teas and accidentally throw up all over someone's chicken wings before stumbling out to sit on the sidewalk and just laugh and laugh and then, wow, I know it's weird but this sidewalk is awfully comfortable and maybe I should just lay down for a few minutes and rest my eyes. SHE PROMISED! And then in the morning, we'll wake up all hung over and everything and wondering where we left our bras, and oh my God I hope I didn't leave mine in that bar...oh wait, it's just right here on the sofa. And then we'll pad into the living room and eat some greasy tacos while we watch Mean Girls and moan all day. Won't that be fun? YOU DAMN RIGHT, IT'LL BE FUN!
Because shit ya'll, I don't know if I ought to be telling you this or not, but I'm going to be a single woman. A SINGLE MOTHER, which is harder than being just a single woman, because, well, you know, you're a mother. To a baby, which is kind of like being a mother to a dog, but a lot harder. BUT ANYWAY, my husband, who I don't even think I should call that anymore, is just such a sack of shit. YES, I SAID IT. He just doesn't understand that when you have a baby with a LADY, you are not supposed to smoke weed all the time and talk about your "shizzle" and braid your hair and sit around counting your money. You are supposed to be nice to everyone and change diapers because baby poop will not mess with your flow, you rat-faced, free-loading bastard. YES, I SAID THAT TOO. So I am just through with that. I am going to find me a nice man here in Northern California, maybe someone who graduated from high school, and he is going to rub my feet and bring me roses and when we do our reality show and he has a special message for me, it will be something that he actually writes, and not something that my mom scribbled out while she was having one of her "fits". And I am going to live happily ever after and everyone will say "Kevin Who?" and also "Jessica Simpson Who?" because she is such an upstaging bitch, and I just want to remind everyone that I WAS HERE FIRST!
So yeah. We're going to Sephora. Don't wait up.
Love ya'll,
Britney
posted by Southern Belle at 8:57 PM
1 comments
