CRASH?!??! FUCKING CRASH?!!??!!

First off, just let me say that I *heart* the Oscars. I watch it every year, there is much cheese and wine, and Matt and I make bets and score ourselves. We both get deeply invested in the Oscars. This is like our Super Bowl. That's not to say that we don't think the whole thing is honky and cheesy and a little bit stupid. We do. But we like it, and about 1/8 of the time, we like the movie that wins.

But seriously folks. This is b*a*n*a*n*a*s.

Holy lord. Crash won the best picture of the year. A movie that Oprah likes (the same Oprah who discovered John Steinbeck and Leo Tolstoy) won. And, seriously, that has to be the only reason it won. The only one I can think of anyway.

I'm seriously pissed about this.

That movie was over acted, over done and slightly less subtle than being hit with a fucking train. Race is a problem. WE GET IT. Oh, did you say that that fire is like the fire of racism? I GET IT. I'M NOT FOUR YEARS OLD. A flipping 13 year old could write that stuff. This is insane.

Wrap your mind around this one folks: a movie with Sandra Bullock, Matt Dillon and Brendan Fraser just won best picture. Just think about that for a few minutes and tell me that you don't think you are in an alternative universe.

Yes, I was an English major. Yes, I'm from the South. But Capote was the best picture of the year. Life is not black and white, with clear cut justice and injustice. Life is not Crash. Life is not all "Oooo we misunderstand each other, I'm going to try harder to be a good person." Life is nuanced and true justice is a myth, and Capote showed that. It was well-acted, well-made, and incredibly well-written. Capote was a film--Crash was a movie.

And Brokeback was pretty good too. The movie captured a feeling, and a nuanced view of love, and beautiful scenery in a way that should be recognized.

Crash?!!?!! Are they kidding me? Are they going to hop out in a few minutes and say, "PSYCH! JUST KIDDING! Put down that G&T, Morgan. It's just 11:00 and we're here to tell you that you can have faith in us again!." I certainly hope so.

CRASH?!!??!!

Lord. Maybe I'm just hungover. But seriously, that movie sucked.

Let's Talk Grammar, Shall We?

Terrible morning this morning. Absolutely terrible. The unthinkable happened. NO INTERNET AT THE OFFICE! It was devestating. No internet, on the day after a new Project Runway, which meant that I could not get on TWoP and make my anti-Santino comments for the day, nor could I send catty emails to my husband, who has a day off, nor could I FREAKING LIVE. Seriously. I had no idea how utterly and completely connected I am to the ole interweb of greatness, but I am. And not having it for a couple of hours was like not having one of my toes. An important toe.

But it's back now (as you can tell since I am positing this). Still feeling the pain of its absence, I went and got a French brie and sundried tomato sandwich (don't even try reminding me that I am trying to eat healthy--loss of internet BEGS for gooey French cheese) and settled down to read the gossip of the day. I soon found my treasure trove--Britney and K-Fed are fighting again! This, my friends, makes my day. So I'm scarfing down brie and giggling, and just so damned happy that there's drama in the House of Cheeto, that I think, what the hell, maybe other folks are as happy as me. So I click on this "forum" thing, thinking that it's like TWoP or something. Yeah. Not so much. Let's just say that any confidence I had in the American school system (admittedly not much) was pretty much thrown down onto the floor, gang raped, and left for the roving eyes of Benson and Stabler. So I thought it would be fun to expose this soft white underbelly of American idiocy to you, the 2.3 people who read this. Enjoy.

Note: These were all found on a forum regarding the possibility of Britney being pregnant again, which, let's just be honest, would be freakin' sweet.

Forum Quote #1: you are a great mother to you're son and you are so much happer with kern you so be realy happen that yo are with him. I know how you feel sometime I just don't know why boy's and guy's do what they do do you know if you do here is my eail addesser is heyamberogden oka please writter back please think you so much will bye now.

First off, "your" is the possessive form that I think you are looking for. Second off, what in the living fuck is this saying? Oh, and third, ummm...Britney's not going to read this. She's too busy applying that special cream to get rid of that troublesome burning sensation and tossing back that keg of Colt 45. But if she did read this, I'm pretty sure that she'd be the only person in the world who could understand it, given that she also speaks the language of Stupid.

By the way, if you are an English teacher in Manassas, VA (where this poster is from), you should definitely kill yourself. Yeah, you suck.

Forum Quote #2 briteny is a great mom and could have another child if she wants!!!i mean its her life so i think that if she wants another child she can have one w/out all of her fans up her butt!!!

You know, if you're going to talk about how awesome someone is, you should probably spell their name correctly!!! I mean, it's your life, but if you don't want to look like a dumbass and have me "all up your butt," then maybe look things over a bit before you hit post!!! Ok!!!

Oh, and congrats English teachers of Hixson, TN! You've really helped those kids! It's incredible how a town with word "Hix" in the title could produce such well-spoken young citizens! (!!)

And last but not least...the coup de grace.

Forum Quote #3 No i don't suck!And I know that because I do a lot of reading and Actally I have a boyfriend!And have been asked out 7 times this year I make straight A's for the record Mrs.Know it all I am poperler so take a picture I migh last longer

A lot of reading, huh? What are you reading? The walls of the bathroom stall? Oh, and you have a boyfriend? Is he illiterate too? Seven times? Wow, that's impressive! Were they literate? Because if they are, and you give them head, maybe they could teach you how to string a coherent thought together AND HOW TO USE A GODDAMN PERIOD. Shit, people.

Oh, and Huntsville, Alabama English teachers--you should just totally quit. You're obviously not doing anyone any good. This is probably one of your "A" students, given that she knows how to turn the computer on. Imagine the 19 other kids who haven't mastered that skill and what their writing looks like. Jesus.

So what have we learned today? Good grammar doesn't cost a thing. Use it. Please? I know that it's the internet, and it's not formal, but for God's sake, reading what these dumb bastards write has me believing in eugenics and the assisted suicide of high school English teachers. Use good grammar so you can be like me, and get a job where you can look at the internet all day and get paid for it.

Lord.