The Sweet Sounds of Selling Out

Yes, folks, at long last, your humble writer is the recipient of a bona fide, grown-up, high-heel wearing job. Thank you, thank you...you are too kind. I found out yesterday that I am the new assistant director at the Albany Chamber of Commerce, a title that will be found on business cards and those little shitty programs that everyone throws away when they go to festivals and things. I edit de newsletters, I write de press releases, I write de grants, AND I DO NOT MAKE DE COFFEE. HA HA DE FUCKING HA!!!!!

I now have insurance, sick leave time, vacation time and salary. I have a lunch break with which I can go to cafes and order salads and lattes with no foam.

And I am totally happy to sell out. Seriously. I don't know why, but this doesn't bother me in the least. I am happy to forget all about living the underpaid enlightened life, and live the semi-enlightened, "Can I have that in black?" life. Totally.

And that's what bothers me the most. Should I feel sad? I'm now officially a grown up. I own a suit. I drink black coffee. I am gainfully employed. I (on November 1) will have a desk.

What's next? What do I have to look forward to now?

Sigh.

But, seriously, who the fuck cares? After October 31, I do not ever have to make a cappuccino again. Yeah, bitches. Now that, my little morsels of perfectly seasoned meat, is freakin' sweet.

Shit, I've Got a Lot to Talk About

About 9 days out of 10, I can't think of anything that's interesting enough to break me away from Law and Order reruns and carbonated beverages. But today...whole other story. In condensed form, I give you the subjects of today's post:

1. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey to separate? Is it just me, or did every rainbow in the sky come crashing painfully into the earth, forcing the life out of every kitten and teddy bear? No, that was just the sound of love dying. Sorry.
2. Britney Spears sex tape! Oh sweet caffeinated mother that is good!
3. And finally...vegans really need to come off it. Yes, folks, I give you an unedited rant entitled, "Yo, Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck a slab of processed meat?"

But first...the separation that rocked America...or at least, those of us who have nothing better to do than patrol blogs and shake our heads sadly at our own pitiful, unfulfilled potential. BUT I DIGRESS, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are newlyweds no more, at least according to US Magazine and all those other people who so totally know the truth (just like the did in July or whenever this happened before). But anyway, evidently Jessica's hard partying, penchant for spending oodles and oodles more money than you and I will ever see, tendency to bed men who have artificially inseminated cows on live TV, and preternaturally creepy dad have forced the tenuous strings of marriage to cave. For Nick this means that he might as well kiss fame and all other facades of relevance good bye (it was a good run, kid), and for Jessica, it means that she's free to half sing/half orgasm her way into the hearts of America solo style. And that's fine with me, as long as she does it in a bikini while dry-humping a vintage Dodge.

And now to a coupling that is still going strong--the Federlines, and the fact that a sex tape featuring a pregnant Britney has been leaked. And I ask--do we care? Sure, it's great news because it's funny and reminds us of the general wretchedness of the human race and our lust for fame. But, I mean, you saw Chaotic. That sucked and A) She was still sort of hot, and B) There was at least some sort of plot involved. And I'm pretty sure that if I saw Kevin Federline's junk the sun would implode and baby bunnies would choke on their own vomit. Seriously. I mean, do we even want to really consider the fact that he has a penis? I mean, really sit down and consider it? I think not, my juicy chateaubriands. I think not.

And finally, I give you "Yo Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat," an epistillary rant on the general retardedness of the vegan lifestyle.

Yo Vegan girl,
Yeah, I'm talking to your skinny ass. Yeah, you in the hiphuggers and those bug-eyed fake Gucci's that all the high maintenance bitches wear. I know you're dazed because of lack of food and such, but could you focus for just a few minutes while I share this with you? Thanks.
Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat? Because I think you're starting to become delusional into thinking that the rest of the world cares about you and your self-imposed dietary restrictions. No, we're not going to start baking a vegan bread for you and your cronies (all three of them). Why? Because we're people here at the Musical Offering and WE EAT FOOD. Not pretend stuff made out of rehydrogenated beans and powdered lactose free milk. FOOD. Oh, and that soy latte you're drinking doesn't taste "right"? It doesn't taste "creamy"? PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF BEANS, ASSHAT! I make a black bean chili that's to die for, and it's not creamy either, because like your latte, it's made of legumes. Legumes, which, don't get me wrong, are very healthy and lovely things in their own right, are not meant to be creamy. They're meant to be LEGUMES.
And also, why don't you look up "creamy" in a dictionary, you self-righteous, leg-warmer wearing whore? In order for something to be creamy, it should contain cream, or at least a form of milk. CREAMINESS IS NEVER DERIVED FROM SOMETHING THAT GROWS ON A PLANT. And while I'm at it, let me just say this--if you're so into being a vegan that you would ask me a bunch of retarded questions on baking solids and organic bananas, why are you spending large amounts of your life looking for substitutions for the foods us non-vegans enjoy? Shouldn't you be willing to give up those foods whole-hog (sorry, bitch) and subsist on fruits and veggies and nuts and whatever else you people eat? Why don't you stop bothering me, and go to the Farmer's Market and chow down. It's California--there is plenty of wonderful, fresh things to shove into your gaping maw. And none of them involve faux-creaminess.
One more thing (well, two more things actually). A soy latte. God. Why don't you learn to drink coffee like a grown-up? Why, in fact, do you protest these foods--like milk, honey, and butter--that are given freely by the animal and have been for centuries and centuries? If you want to protest the deplorable system of agribusiness that we have in this country, go right ahead. Hell, blow up a fucking factory farm! I'll come with! But seriously, the powers that be that you are trying to rail against with your ill-formed, quasi-veganism don't give one flying fuck about you and you're retarded eating tendencies. So take your bean-iful latte and sit the fuck down. I don't want to hear it anymore.

Morgan

Whew. I'm tired. But that was good. Oh yeah, that was good.

Have a good un, my non-vegan lovepots!

49 More Things About Me (or, Mama Always Said to Finish What You Started)

53. I can make a perfect cappuccino, and believe it or not, that is a tough skill to master.

54. I am double jointed.

55. I can sing all the words to Shoop by Salt n Pepa, and have been able to do that since I was roughly 11 years old.

56. I can also sing Doin' It by L L Cool J.

57. I once owned the Wrexx and Effexx album with Rump Shaker on it.

58. My mom took it from me because she liked the song.

59. My eyes are so bad that if the lenses were not rolled down, my glasses would be nearly an inch thick.

60. I won the Science Fair every year from first grade until seventh.

61. I hate science.

62. I had chicken pox when I was 5 years old.

63. My husband has never had it.

64. My first kiss was to a guy named Jonathan Sykes.

65. He had the unfortunate nickname of Uno and once slammed his arm through a glass door.

66. My husband has only beaten me once at Trivial Pursuit, and we have played many, many times.

67. I am a bad loser.

68. I have only beaten him once at miniature golf.

69. I do my grocery shopping at Trader Joe's.

70. I never leave the house without earrings on.

71. I wear a denim jacket about 75% of the time I'm outside (two reasons: the weather fluctuates a lot here in Northern Cali and I just think I look good in it).

72. I always carry a book with me, even to the grocery store.

73. My favorite song of all time is Suffragette City by David Bowie.

74. I have seen David Bowie live twice.

75. That bitch better go on tour again soon.

76. I got the drunkest I have ever been on a $4 bottle of pink champagne.

77. I have been pulled over twice for speeding.

78. I got out of it both times by going to court.

79. If I had $1,000 dollars right now, I'd spend it all at Target.

80. I am obsessed with Target in an unhealthy way.

81. This upsets my husband.

82. My password for everything computer related is a reference to Garfield and Friends, which was my favorite cartoon growing up.

83. My homepage is set to Pink is the New Blog.

84. I have never owned a Britney Spears album, but I once did a strip tease to Slave 4 U (I was inebriated of course).

85. When I was two, I knocked my front tooth up into my gum, and required extensive oral surgery.

86. I don't remember a thing about it.

87. During my childhood, I collected porcelain dolls, baseball cards and stamps all at the same time.

88. My favorite baseball team was the Atlanta Braves.

89. I haven't seen a baseball game since I was 12 (roughly the same time I encountered boys).

90. There are still 3 moving boxes in my house.

91. I don't know what to do with any of them.

92. I bought five books last week.

93. I almost bought three more today.

94. At last count, I own 420 books (this is not counting any books I purchased before I began college).

95. I have four dvd's, two of which are Woody Allen movies.

96. The only movie I can actively quote from is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

97. I do not own any tv shows on dvd.

98. I don't see the point.

99. I need to go to bed.

100. It is getting late.

101. But I always finish what I start.

101 Things About Me (or, I Just Got Back from a UC Berkeley Potluck and Need to Feel Special Again)

1. I was born in Big Stone Gap, VA, which is also the name of a wretched book (don't hold that against me).

2. I have only lived in two states--Virginia and California.

3. I lived with my grandparents for three years after my parents divorced.

4. My dad lives in West Virginia.

5. He is missing one of his teeth (but only one--and he does wear shoes).

6. My mom is a professor at James Madison University.

7. I have worn glasses since I was in 2nd grade.

8. My first pair had Donald Duck on them.

9. My favorite wine is a sauvignon blanc from the Hess Collection winery in Napa.

10. My favorite tv show is Law and Order and Law and Order: SVU.

11. The only time I have ever cried about the death of someone not related to me was when Jerry Orbach died.

12. I have freckles.

13. I am wearing a new pair of jeans.

14. My engagement ring is one of those three stone things.

15. My husband is a Russian literature Ph.d. student who hates Tolstoy and I am a cappucino maker/writer who loves him.

16. I think Benjamin Bratt is too skinny on that show E-Ring he's doing now.

17. I am obsessed with that show Prison Break.

18. My ringtone on my phone is Rock Lobster for calls, Under Pressure for Voicemails and Losing My Religion for text messages.

19. My husband's is The Dukes of Hazzard theme for calls, Ziggy Stardust for Voicemails and Hollaback Girl for text messages (keep in mind that he is a ph d. student and that seems even stranger).

20. I was once the ninth caller on the local radio show.

21. I won a t-shirt from that movie "Man of the House" with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Chevy Chase.

22. I once posted my picture in Tiger Beat magazine to request pen pals.

23. A guy responded by stealing his neighbor's credit card and sending me a Vermont Teddy Bear and a bunch of chocolates.

24. I was 12. It was weird.

25. I won my first writing contest in the third grade. My story was a first person journal entry by a homesick orangutan.

26. In high school, I won a prom night writing contest. I got a limo and a free meal before the prom. It was sweet, and so far, the best thing my writing has gotten for me.

27. I like that really spicy ginger ale they sell at the Cheese Shop.

28. It is not sold on the west coast.

29. My favorite ice cream flavor is New York Super Fudge Chunk.

30. I have a bowl of ice cream just about every night.

31. I have an amazing ability to plumb (or fix a toilet. Whatever that is called.).

32. My house has a Japanese Garden.

33. I am going to buy a garden gnome for it.

34. My husband says this is a conflict of interest.

35. I baked a cheesecake for the potluck tonight, and I made some blue cheese dip because I was concerned that everyone would bring a dessert and there would be nothing savory.

36. I was wrong.

37. My favorite thing to make is cheesecake. I have recipes for nearly a hundred different kinds.

38. I give them away for Christmas (the cakes, not the recipes).

39. I am currently reading both a big French novel and a book of short stories by Eudora Welty.

40. Sometimes I do that (read two books at once).

41. My mom does that too.

42. If the Bart station wasn't in front of my window, I could see the Golden Gate Bridge.

43. The Bay Bridge scares me because of a bad TV movie I saw about the 1989 earthquake.

44. I have only driven over it twice.

45. I sped both times.

46. I was class president, and voted Most Unique and Best Dressed.

47. There were only 35 people in my class.

48. I was not voted Most Likely to Succeed because my classmates thought I was too flighty. Seriously. They told me this.

49. My husband was voted Most Likely to Succeed.

50. I was a vegetarian for 6 weeks in high school.

51. I love barbecue too much to stay that way.

52. I have been to three barbecue battles, and when Matt and I retire from whatever we end up doing, we are going to travel around the country all summer and go to them.

To be continued...(when the effects of wine are not so heavy on me...)