Shit, I've Got a Lot to Talk About
About 9 days out of 10, I can't think of anything that's interesting enough to break me away from Law and Order reruns and carbonated beverages. But today...whole other story. In condensed form, I give you the subjects of today's post:
1. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey to separate? Is it just me, or did every rainbow in the sky come crashing painfully into the earth, forcing the life out of every kitten and teddy bear? No, that was just the sound of love dying. Sorry.
2. Britney Spears sex tape! Oh sweet caffeinated mother that is good!
3. And finally...vegans really need to come off it. Yes, folks, I give you an unedited rant entitled, "Yo, Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck a slab of processed meat?"
But first...the separation that rocked America...or at least, those of us who have nothing better to do than patrol blogs and shake our heads sadly at our own pitiful, unfulfilled potential. BUT I DIGRESS, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are newlyweds no more, at least according to US Magazine and all those other people who so totally know the truth (just like the did in July or whenever this happened before). But anyway, evidently Jessica's hard partying, penchant for spending oodles and oodles more money than you and I will ever see, tendency to bed men who have artificially inseminated cows on live TV, and preternaturally creepy dad have forced the tenuous strings of marriage to cave. For Nick this means that he might as well kiss fame and all other facades of relevance good bye (it was a good run, kid), and for Jessica, it means that she's free to half sing/half orgasm her way into the hearts of America solo style. And that's fine with me, as long as she does it in a bikini while dry-humping a vintage Dodge.
And now to a coupling that is still going strong--the Federlines, and the fact that a sex tape featuring a pregnant Britney has been leaked. And I ask--do we care? Sure, it's great news because it's funny and reminds us of the general wretchedness of the human race and our lust for fame. But, I mean, you saw Chaotic. That sucked and A) She was still sort of hot, and B) There was at least some sort of plot involved. And I'm pretty sure that if I saw Kevin Federline's junk the sun would implode and baby bunnies would choke on their own vomit. Seriously. I mean, do we even want to really consider the fact that he has a penis? I mean, really sit down and consider it? I think not, my juicy chateaubriands. I think not.
And finally, I give you "Yo Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat," an epistillary rant on the general retardedness of the vegan lifestyle.
Yo Vegan girl,
Yeah, I'm talking to your skinny ass. Yeah, you in the hiphuggers and those bug-eyed fake Gucci's that all the high maintenance bitches wear. I know you're dazed because of lack of food and such, but could you focus for just a few minutes while I share this with you? Thanks.
Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat? Because I think you're starting to become delusional into thinking that the rest of the world cares about you and your self-imposed dietary restrictions. No, we're not going to start baking a vegan bread for you and your cronies (all three of them). Why? Because we're people here at the Musical Offering and WE EAT FOOD. Not pretend stuff made out of rehydrogenated beans and powdered lactose free milk. FOOD. Oh, and that soy latte you're drinking doesn't taste "right"? It doesn't taste "creamy"? PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF BEANS, ASSHAT! I make a black bean chili that's to die for, and it's not creamy either, because like your latte, it's made of legumes. Legumes, which, don't get me wrong, are very healthy and lovely things in their own right, are not meant to be creamy. They're meant to be LEGUMES.
And also, why don't you look up "creamy" in a dictionary, you self-righteous, leg-warmer wearing whore? In order for something to be creamy, it should contain cream, or at least a form of milk. CREAMINESS IS NEVER DERIVED FROM SOMETHING THAT GROWS ON A PLANT. And while I'm at it, let me just say this--if you're so into being a vegan that you would ask me a bunch of retarded questions on baking solids and organic bananas, why are you spending large amounts of your life looking for substitutions for the foods us non-vegans enjoy? Shouldn't you be willing to give up those foods whole-hog (sorry, bitch) and subsist on fruits and veggies and nuts and whatever else you people eat? Why don't you stop bothering me, and go to the Farmer's Market and chow down. It's California--there is plenty of wonderful, fresh things to shove into your gaping maw. And none of them involve faux-creaminess.
One more thing (well, two more things actually). A soy latte. God. Why don't you learn to drink coffee like a grown-up? Why, in fact, do you protest these foods--like milk, honey, and butter--that are given freely by the animal and have been for centuries and centuries? If you want to protest the deplorable system of agribusiness that we have in this country, go right ahead. Hell, blow up a fucking factory farm! I'll come with! But seriously, the powers that be that you are trying to rail against with your ill-formed, quasi-veganism don't give one flying fuck about you and you're retarded eating tendencies. So take your bean-iful latte and sit the fuck down. I don't want to hear it anymore.
Morgan
Whew. I'm tired. But that was good. Oh yeah, that was good.
Have a good un, my non-vegan lovepots!
1. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey to separate? Is it just me, or did every rainbow in the sky come crashing painfully into the earth, forcing the life out of every kitten and teddy bear? No, that was just the sound of love dying. Sorry.
2. Britney Spears sex tape! Oh sweet caffeinated mother that is good!
3. And finally...vegans really need to come off it. Yes, folks, I give you an unedited rant entitled, "Yo, Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck a slab of processed meat?"
But first...the separation that rocked America...or at least, those of us who have nothing better to do than patrol blogs and shake our heads sadly at our own pitiful, unfulfilled potential. BUT I DIGRESS, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are newlyweds no more, at least according to US Magazine and all those other people who so totally know the truth (just like the did in July or whenever this happened before). But anyway, evidently Jessica's hard partying, penchant for spending oodles and oodles more money than you and I will ever see, tendency to bed men who have artificially inseminated cows on live TV, and preternaturally creepy dad have forced the tenuous strings of marriage to cave. For Nick this means that he might as well kiss fame and all other facades of relevance good bye (it was a good run, kid), and for Jessica, it means that she's free to half sing/half orgasm her way into the hearts of America solo style. And that's fine with me, as long as she does it in a bikini while dry-humping a vintage Dodge.
And now to a coupling that is still going strong--the Federlines, and the fact that a sex tape featuring a pregnant Britney has been leaked. And I ask--do we care? Sure, it's great news because it's funny and reminds us of the general wretchedness of the human race and our lust for fame. But, I mean, you saw Chaotic. That sucked and A) She was still sort of hot, and B) There was at least some sort of plot involved. And I'm pretty sure that if I saw Kevin Federline's junk the sun would implode and baby bunnies would choke on their own vomit. Seriously. I mean, do we even want to really consider the fact that he has a penis? I mean, really sit down and consider it? I think not, my juicy chateaubriands. I think not.
And finally, I give you "Yo Vegan girl. Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat," an epistillary rant on the general retardedness of the vegan lifestyle.
Yo Vegan girl,
Yeah, I'm talking to your skinny ass. Yeah, you in the hiphuggers and those bug-eyed fake Gucci's that all the high maintenance bitches wear. I know you're dazed because of lack of food and such, but could you focus for just a few minutes while I share this with you? Thanks.
Why don't you go suck on a slab of processed meat? Because I think you're starting to become delusional into thinking that the rest of the world cares about you and your self-imposed dietary restrictions. No, we're not going to start baking a vegan bread for you and your cronies (all three of them). Why? Because we're people here at the Musical Offering and WE EAT FOOD. Not pretend stuff made out of rehydrogenated beans and powdered lactose free milk. FOOD. Oh, and that soy latte you're drinking doesn't taste "right"? It doesn't taste "creamy"? PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF BEANS, ASSHAT! I make a black bean chili that's to die for, and it's not creamy either, because like your latte, it's made of legumes. Legumes, which, don't get me wrong, are very healthy and lovely things in their own right, are not meant to be creamy. They're meant to be LEGUMES.
And also, why don't you look up "creamy" in a dictionary, you self-righteous, leg-warmer wearing whore? In order for something to be creamy, it should contain cream, or at least a form of milk. CREAMINESS IS NEVER DERIVED FROM SOMETHING THAT GROWS ON A PLANT. And while I'm at it, let me just say this--if you're so into being a vegan that you would ask me a bunch of retarded questions on baking solids and organic bananas, why are you spending large amounts of your life looking for substitutions for the foods us non-vegans enjoy? Shouldn't you be willing to give up those foods whole-hog (sorry, bitch) and subsist on fruits and veggies and nuts and whatever else you people eat? Why don't you stop bothering me, and go to the Farmer's Market and chow down. It's California--there is plenty of wonderful, fresh things to shove into your gaping maw. And none of them involve faux-creaminess.
One more thing (well, two more things actually). A soy latte. God. Why don't you learn to drink coffee like a grown-up? Why, in fact, do you protest these foods--like milk, honey, and butter--that are given freely by the animal and have been for centuries and centuries? If you want to protest the deplorable system of agribusiness that we have in this country, go right ahead. Hell, blow up a fucking factory farm! I'll come with! But seriously, the powers that be that you are trying to rail against with your ill-formed, quasi-veganism don't give one flying fuck about you and you're retarded eating tendencies. So take your bean-iful latte and sit the fuck down. I don't want to hear it anymore.
Morgan
Whew. I'm tired. But that was good. Oh yeah, that was good.
Have a good un, my non-vegan lovepots!
posted by Southern Belle at 9:24 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home