How to Be Cool Like Me, Part 1

So in the midst of the excitement over the Federfetus, no one seemed to notice that Hania Barton, Mischa's sister, is trying to become a rock star. So I thought that I would type up a guide for the less talented siblings of famous people, a guide that could help them on their quest for stardom. Why am I qualified, you ask? For one, I am a brunette, like many of these struggling sisters are. Also, and more importantly, my stepsister was once Miss Coeburn, and anyone who grew up in a small town knows that being Miss Coeburn is much more interesting to Coeburn residents than getting a record deal or saving the world from nuclear doom. So, I too am a sister of royalty.

The Southern Comforted Guide to Becoming Famous by Riding Coattails
1) Know your audience. For example, Haylie Duff's look is a lot less Disney channel and a lot more Debbie's Drag Queen Delight. So, Haylie, try out for an all drag review. No one has to know that you are really a woman (you are, aren't you?).
2) Eat. Mary Kate, honey, it's not good to be known as the Starving One when one is competing with a sibling. So, I want you to get your scrawny malnourished ass to my house, because honey, I make the best goddamned mashed potatoes on the East Coast. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic. They are damn fine spuds, if I do say so myself.
3) If your sibling is famous, you have at least a little money don't you? Great. Don't dress like a homeless person. Ok? I know the Olsen twins do it (yes, once again I'm looking at you, Mary Kate), but when I see you on the pages of Us Weekly, I want to think, "Wow, she's looking better than that washed up sister of hers," not "Get out my checkbook, I'm going to have to send this chick some cash."
4) Make sure you can actually do what you are trying to become famous with. Like, it might have been smart for Ashlee Simpson to make sure that she could sing before she actually started trying to do it. Not criticizing, I'm just saying. Paris Hilton is famous for absolutely no reason, maybe you could be too.
5) Be the total opposite of your famous sister. And yes, this goes beyond dying your hair brown. It gets hard sometimes, but seriously, you can do it. For example, if your sister is Britney Spears, you might consider bathing sometime. That's why I like that spunky Jamie-Lynn. I love my Britney with a little dirt on her, but when I see that sweet little Jamie on her own Nickelodean show with no exposed thongs and not one open bottle of Pabst anywhere, it endears her to me even more. Keep up the good work, Jamie Lynn.
6) Oh, and don't make commercials for those IceBreakers Liquid Ice things. The world will thank you for it.

Well, I should go. I finished my IRA paper amazingly, but now I have to write a bit on Milton who I have a very interesting love/hate relationship with. I would discuss that on here, but you'd rather read about Britney wouldn't you? That's what I thought.