Onward Christian Soldiers!

So apparently, there's this company that is marketing Christian action figures as a way of making some cash, but teaching kids some righteousness along the way. You can go to cnn.com and read about it, or you can just take my snarky word for it. So I thought it might be fun to think of some good action figures for the company to make. I got Matt in on it, and pretty soon we had come up with a slew of them, and had wasted a whole shitload of time, especially (ahem, Matt) those of us who are getting paid to do something other than be snarky. Here are some of the highlights. I've denoted Matt's ideas with two -- (instead of my one -) so he gets proper credit. As you can see, he has much better biblical knowledge than I do.

Christian Action Figures, designed by Morgan and Matt
--God action figure, with realistic "wrath of God" strike-down-thine-enemies action
--Lazarus with "risen from the dead" action (not sure how that would work, but they could drive it home by making him look hideously decomposed...although biblically, that didn't happen, I'm sure it wouldn't stop them)--which teaches children that death is no big deal, 'cause if you're a good little Christian, then you'll just be resurrected
--leper action figure, with real, working leprosy--can be tossed out a window to live on the outskirts of civilization (they're lucky they get that), which serves as a metaphor for what Christians should do to all thosewho they deem "unclean", i.e. homosexuals, non-Christians, liberals, etc. (DAMN MATT!)
--"real Christian" Jesus - comes complete with scissors and resume building kit, so that hippie Jesus can cut his hair and get a real job
--Jesus on the cross (cross playset sold separately-$39.95) - the mutilated body of Christ comes with real crown of thorns, gaping spear wound, and realistic flowing blood action when you squeeze his nail punctured hands, (extra blood packets are sold separately-$9.95/pack of 2; n.b. not compatible with gushing Abel figure, who requires non-blood of Christ packets-$9.95/pack of 3). I hear they’re planning a theatrical re-release of the unedited version of The Passion of the Christ to coincide with this product’s arrival in a Wal-Mart near you. A limited supply of these figures will be hand-signed by Mel Gibson, complete with certificate of authenticity (Once again, wow, darling)
-Eve Barbie with realistic apple-biting action
-Jesus Loaves and Fishes action set with scratch and sniff fish
-Satan action figure riding a donkey
-Terry Schiavo angel figure with permanent feeding tube that cannot be taken out no matter how many activist judges you've got (try it bitch, just come on and try it)
-Abel doll with realistic gushing head wound (because sin sells)
-Bathsheba with a real bathtub that you can sit on top of a house and then knock her off the house and kill her, that godless harlot
-Goliath, wearing leather assless chaps. That shows us that all men in leather are gay and can be killed with sling shots. Doesn't it?
-Herod with baby-killing action. He also speaks French.
-Mary Magdelene, but you keep her away from Jesus. That talking about them shacking up...that's just crazy talk.

Well, I thought you might like that. Send on more ideas, if you've got them. And let the moral of this story be this: parents, don't send your kids to too many revivals. They could end up as sarcastic, cynical 22 year olds who live in sin and watch violent television.

Have a good un!