And starring E. Z. Ryder as the Mayor
Ho hum. Tis the start of another week. And a busy week at that. I have two (count em') papers due on Thursday plus two books that require my attention plus all the major TV watching that neneds to get done (according to L&O Vanilla previews, Det. Greene gets shot this week! Gasp!!). But even that can't tear me away from you, my little lemon tartlets. No, my love for you is so strong and so deep that the demands of schoolwork and a life away from this computer pale in comparison. Sigh.
So it's time for some Questions...Legal Assistance Edition!
To Michael Jackson:
1) Have you seen the E! Reenactments of your trial? So entertaining. Does it flatter you that that kid will probably get a big break after playing you? I mean, his dour, blank expression is just amazing. He does you better than you do you, if you follow what I'm saying.
2) Did you really sleep with Machauley Culkin? Because I'll tell you a secret. For the first five minutes after I saw Saved!, I wanted to too. Oh it was the same for you and Home Alone? You bastard.
3) Are you aware that your lawyer has a large Persian cat on his head? Just asking.
4) Where do you get your medallions? It's hard to find good medallions these days. Especially for people who are worthy of honor, you know, like me and you.
5) Why do you let your dad hang out with you all the time? I mean, isn't he the reason why you're a little (let's face facts) kooky? Shouldn't you just send him back to Indiana where he belongs? Because I've been to Indiana, and believe me, they need him there.
To Kevin Federline, (here to after known as K Fed) who is going to need some legal assistance if he doesn't get his act together:
1) What the fuck are you doing? Oh fuck the questions: I've got some answers for this asshat.
Shut up dude. Just shut up. You've somehow managed to become the luckiest person on the face of the planet, because let's face it, everyone wants to marry into money, even liberal senators from Massachusetts. And, your money comes from a person who allows you to be seen in public in manpris and "Rock out with your Cock Out" hats. See? You're a lucky bastard. But you're fucking it up. Why? You're a dumbass. A complete, beltless, trucker hat wearing dumbass. Here's how to get it back on track:
1) Buy a belt. Hell, you've still got a meal ticket. Buy three.
2) Quit going to Vegas, unless you are going to see Wayne Newton, in which case it is totally excusable.
3) Repeat after me: I want this baby. I want Britven or Kevney. I want to be a good father to my oodles and oodles of children. Because seriously dude. If you keep going, you're going to be able to start your own colony of little Kevins. And if you have your own colony, it's better for them to be good citizens than douches like you.
4) Learn a trade. Be something other than Mr. Spears and a back-up dancer. The world needs you, Mr. Federline. (No, I can't believe I typed that either.)
Well, that's it for Questions: Legal Assistance Edition. If you know of anyone else who could benefit from my expertise, please post a comment. All questions will be answered, regardless of your ability to pay. I haven't watched 14 seasons of Law and Order for nothing.
So it's time for some Questions...Legal Assistance Edition!
To Michael Jackson:
1) Have you seen the E! Reenactments of your trial? So entertaining. Does it flatter you that that kid will probably get a big break after playing you? I mean, his dour, blank expression is just amazing. He does you better than you do you, if you follow what I'm saying.
2) Did you really sleep with Machauley Culkin? Because I'll tell you a secret. For the first five minutes after I saw Saved!, I wanted to too. Oh it was the same for you and Home Alone? You bastard.
3) Are you aware that your lawyer has a large Persian cat on his head? Just asking.
4) Where do you get your medallions? It's hard to find good medallions these days. Especially for people who are worthy of honor, you know, like me and you.
5) Why do you let your dad hang out with you all the time? I mean, isn't he the reason why you're a little (let's face facts) kooky? Shouldn't you just send him back to Indiana where he belongs? Because I've been to Indiana, and believe me, they need him there.
To Kevin Federline, (here to after known as K Fed) who is going to need some legal assistance if he doesn't get his act together:
1) What the fuck are you doing? Oh fuck the questions: I've got some answers for this asshat.
Shut up dude. Just shut up. You've somehow managed to become the luckiest person on the face of the planet, because let's face it, everyone wants to marry into money, even liberal senators from Massachusetts. And, your money comes from a person who allows you to be seen in public in manpris and "Rock out with your Cock Out" hats. See? You're a lucky bastard. But you're fucking it up. Why? You're a dumbass. A complete, beltless, trucker hat wearing dumbass. Here's how to get it back on track:
1) Buy a belt. Hell, you've still got a meal ticket. Buy three.
2) Quit going to Vegas, unless you are going to see Wayne Newton, in which case it is totally excusable.
3) Repeat after me: I want this baby. I want Britven or Kevney. I want to be a good father to my oodles and oodles of children. Because seriously dude. If you keep going, you're going to be able to start your own colony of little Kevins. And if you have your own colony, it's better for them to be good citizens than douches like you.
4) Learn a trade. Be something other than Mr. Spears and a back-up dancer. The world needs you, Mr. Federline. (No, I can't believe I typed that either.)
Well, that's it for Questions: Legal Assistance Edition. If you know of anyone else who could benefit from my expertise, please post a comment. All questions will be answered, regardless of your ability to pay. I haven't watched 14 seasons of Law and Order for nothing.
posted by Southern Belle at 11:14 AM
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