I've got to hurry...I've got this thing at the Israeli embassy at 12...
Ok, so I don't have a "thing" with anyone, much less the Israeli prime minister, so I've got pretty much all the time in the world to sit here and type out a long rant complete with some questions for one of my favoritest people in the world. What can I say? I've got no life. I have never been to an embassy, I have no desire to ever go to Israel, I don't use the word "existential" in normal conversation, the fate of world peace does not rest firmly on my shoulders. I am a nobody, a complete and utter nobody. But here's a secret: It's fun.
That brings me to my rant, or rather my question to the world. Why don't we stop taking ourselves so seriously? We're all nobodies, pretty much. I don't care how many embassies you've been to or how many Georgian documentaries you've seen...you're not that great. I've seen you. I know. You're still some schmuck in a 9:30 class or on a free blogger account who thinks it is ok to lord your massive worldly experience like it is some sort of scepter that gives you the far-reaching power to be a dick. It's not. Here's a clue (for everyone, not just for you, and you know who I am referring to, Mr. Model Un-er in the blue shirt): We all don't matter much. It is 77 degrees outside, and we should be enjoying it, not talking about what happened when that ambassador gave us that private screening of that important propagandistic film. Ok? Is that alright? Can we just all accept that we're not the linch pin that keeps this world together? Can we have some fun? Can we just read some books and smile and eat good food and go about our business without having to hear about that time that you went to Ireland and lost your passport? We'd appreciate it. And who knows? We might make the world a better place after all.
And no, Mr. Blue shirt, I'm not jealous of your massive experience or your dickdom. I'm just a concerned citizen (with a heart of ash).
And now for the more fun part of our time together. Question time!
To Britney Federline, who I adore:
1) Is your marriage on the rocks? It's ok. You can cry on my shoulder. You can take the back-up dancer out of the back, but you can't take the back out of the back-up dancer. And I think you know what I'm referring to.
2) Are you pregnant? Who do you miss more: the Bud Lights or the man who gave you his seed and then went to Vegas? It's ok. I'll wait while you think about it.
3) What are my chances of getting another picture of you bare foot at the 7-11?
4) Why did you dye your hair? Because I'll tell you a secret: Blondes really do have more fun. I looked today, and there is not one single blonde in my terrorism class. The blondes are all out listening to music by you and frolicking. Wouldn't that be fun? It's almost as fun as using to word "frolicking."
5) Do you want some more cheese on those fries?
6) Why do you need a family meeting to discuss your dogs doing it? Were you lying to the press so they wouldn't know that they were right and you were wrong and that your marriage really is going to dissolve like a packet of Kool-Aid in the pitcher of water? You sneaky girl. And no, you can't have some Kool-Aid. I didn't make any, I was making a simile to describe--oh never mind.
7) Do you think you could get a trucker hat with "Baby on Board" on it? Wouldn't that rock?
8) Did you hear Justin is going to play in an action movie with Bruce Willis? Yeah, his career keeps going and going. Stop rocking back and forth, Britney. I didn't mean to say the J-word.
9) Did you know that if you eat enough Cheeto's while you are pregnant, the baby looks like a Cheeto? No, I'm not shitting you Britney. Watch out.
10) Do you still have that BFF necklace I gave you?
Have a good un! Frolic and play, my little mini muffins. The Israeli embassy can wait.
That brings me to my rant, or rather my question to the world. Why don't we stop taking ourselves so seriously? We're all nobodies, pretty much. I don't care how many embassies you've been to or how many Georgian documentaries you've seen...you're not that great. I've seen you. I know. You're still some schmuck in a 9:30 class or on a free blogger account who thinks it is ok to lord your massive worldly experience like it is some sort of scepter that gives you the far-reaching power to be a dick. It's not. Here's a clue (for everyone, not just for you, and you know who I am referring to, Mr. Model Un-er in the blue shirt): We all don't matter much. It is 77 degrees outside, and we should be enjoying it, not talking about what happened when that ambassador gave us that private screening of that important propagandistic film. Ok? Is that alright? Can we just all accept that we're not the linch pin that keeps this world together? Can we have some fun? Can we just read some books and smile and eat good food and go about our business without having to hear about that time that you went to Ireland and lost your passport? We'd appreciate it. And who knows? We might make the world a better place after all.
And no, Mr. Blue shirt, I'm not jealous of your massive experience or your dickdom. I'm just a concerned citizen (with a heart of ash).
And now for the more fun part of our time together. Question time!
To Britney Federline, who I adore:
1) Is your marriage on the rocks? It's ok. You can cry on my shoulder. You can take the back-up dancer out of the back, but you can't take the back out of the back-up dancer. And I think you know what I'm referring to.
2) Are you pregnant? Who do you miss more: the Bud Lights or the man who gave you his seed and then went to Vegas? It's ok. I'll wait while you think about it.
3) What are my chances of getting another picture of you bare foot at the 7-11?
4) Why did you dye your hair? Because I'll tell you a secret: Blondes really do have more fun. I looked today, and there is not one single blonde in my terrorism class. The blondes are all out listening to music by you and frolicking. Wouldn't that be fun? It's almost as fun as using to word "frolicking."
5) Do you want some more cheese on those fries?
6) Why do you need a family meeting to discuss your dogs doing it? Were you lying to the press so they wouldn't know that they were right and you were wrong and that your marriage really is going to dissolve like a packet of Kool-Aid in the pitcher of water? You sneaky girl. And no, you can't have some Kool-Aid. I didn't make any, I was making a simile to describe--oh never mind.
7) Do you think you could get a trucker hat with "Baby on Board" on it? Wouldn't that rock?
8) Did you hear Justin is going to play in an action movie with Bruce Willis? Yeah, his career keeps going and going. Stop rocking back and forth, Britney. I didn't mean to say the J-word.
9) Did you know that if you eat enough Cheeto's while you are pregnant, the baby looks like a Cheeto? No, I'm not shitting you Britney. Watch out.
10) Do you still have that BFF necklace I gave you?
Have a good un! Frolic and play, my little mini muffins. The Israeli embassy can wait.
posted by Southern Belle at 11:57 AM
1 Comments:
i look forward to your entries to freakin much. you should have your own philosophical movement.
-kathleen
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