I've finally found an issue that I care about:

Ok. I want you to look at this. Who do you think designed this? For all of you who are betting on my pretty blonde stepsister and are laughing in my face because she did make something of herself after all, guess again (even though that was my first reaction, as well). Nikki Hilton designed this. I am not kidding. She of annulled marriages, brown hair and more moo-la that God designed this abomination. And I ask: Why is she not in prison right now? Help me end this sweatsuit insanity. ILLEGALIZE SWEATSUITS!!!

To Nikki Hilton:
1) Why, Nikki, why? What did Paris do to you? Did she burn you with her crack pipe? Oh, Nikki. It's ok. She can't hurt you now. Your cry for help has been heard.
2) Is your hair really brown? Because I think I pioneered the whole edgy brunette sister thing. You owe me royalties unless you can prove that that's the honest to god brown stuff.
3) Why wasn't I invited to your wedding? Oh, you'd rather not talk about that? I thought you'd love to discuss the one moment in time when you were more interesting than Paris. That's not a very nice hand gesture, Nikki. I'll shut up now.