Today is my actual day off, so I can lay here feeling wretched, but not totally guilty for skipping class. I am watching Designing Women, which I love for its very southern-ness, but it's a post shark jumping episode and Delta Burke is not on it, so it's not that fun. Because let's face it here: Delta Burke is awesome in her chubbiness. Her work in the Lifetime movie where her son beat her up was unparalelled and I am still captivated by her storybook marriage to Major Dad. Are they still together? I only wish the best for those lovebirds!!!
So in the spirit of yesterday's questions to Ashlee Simpson, I have a few more questions for the various personalities I have seen on TV and in the news lately.
To Sean Hannity:
1) Were you abused as a child? You can tell me. It's ok. Is that when they shoved that huge 2x4 up your rectum? I'm so sorry. That explains why you've never had (ahem) intimate relations.
To Alan Colmes:
1) Do you have a backbone? Seriously. I'd like you to check. I'll wait.
2) If I give you $5 (It'll have to be in quarters), will you fight Hannity to the death? Here's a hint: When he goes to pray, jackhammer him. Works every time.
To Britney Federline:
1) I know you're mad at the media, but could you walk down to the 7-11 barefoot again and let them get a picture? That really toasts my waffle. More points to you if there is an exposed thong.
2) Can your husband tie his shoes? Check. Hint: If you want to have children with a man, it's always good to make sure they're not retarded. At least buy the guy some velcro.
3) Is People magazine "really ok" in your book? Because it's ok in my book too! That makes us sisters, right? Or at least BFF's?
To Trey Parker and Matt Stone:
1) Can I be your friend? I'm being serious here. I want to be your friend. If you let me, I'll give you both a BFF necklace, and when the time comes, I'll do all your major decision making.
But seriously. You're both geniuses and you proved that to me last night.
To Randall Terry, James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell:
1) Jesus told me that he loved you and wants you in heaven. Will you heed his call? There's some Kool-Aid on your dresser. Drink up!
To the Cable News Networks:
1) You've just had your own feeding tubes removed with the end of this whole Schiavo thing. Can you start reporting about the news now? What about that country that--you know, that place where we had that thing with that guy?--we are at war with? What's going on there? I know it's not really that important, especially when there are lots of crazy people with pictures of aborted fetuses who want their pictures taken, but I'd just like to know, you know, how many people we killed today. I'm just loco that way, I guess.
To Billie Joe Armstrong:
1) I'm moving to Berkeley in July. Can you teach my boyfriend how to wear eyeliner like that? Yummy.
Have a good un! Barring any blogger breakdowns, the questioning will continue.
So in the spirit of yesterday's questions to Ashlee Simpson, I have a few more questions for the various personalities I have seen on TV and in the news lately.
To Sean Hannity:
1) Were you abused as a child? You can tell me. It's ok. Is that when they shoved that huge 2x4 up your rectum? I'm so sorry. That explains why you've never had (ahem) intimate relations.
To Alan Colmes:
1) Do you have a backbone? Seriously. I'd like you to check. I'll wait.
2) If I give you $5 (It'll have to be in quarters), will you fight Hannity to the death? Here's a hint: When he goes to pray, jackhammer him. Works every time.
To Britney Federline:
1) I know you're mad at the media, but could you walk down to the 7-11 barefoot again and let them get a picture? That really toasts my waffle. More points to you if there is an exposed thong.
2) Can your husband tie his shoes? Check. Hint: If you want to have children with a man, it's always good to make sure they're not retarded. At least buy the guy some velcro.
3) Is People magazine "really ok" in your book? Because it's ok in my book too! That makes us sisters, right? Or at least BFF's?
To Trey Parker and Matt Stone:
1) Can I be your friend? I'm being serious here. I want to be your friend. If you let me, I'll give you both a BFF necklace, and when the time comes, I'll do all your major decision making.
But seriously. You're both geniuses and you proved that to me last night.
To Randall Terry, James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell:
1) Jesus told me that he loved you and wants you in heaven. Will you heed his call? There's some Kool-Aid on your dresser. Drink up!
To the Cable News Networks:
1) You've just had your own feeding tubes removed with the end of this whole Schiavo thing. Can you start reporting about the news now? What about that country that--you know, that place where we had that thing with that guy?--we are at war with? What's going on there? I know it's not really that important, especially when there are lots of crazy people with pictures of aborted fetuses who want their pictures taken, but I'd just like to know, you know, how many people we killed today. I'm just loco that way, I guess.
To Billie Joe Armstrong:
1) I'm moving to Berkeley in July. Can you teach my boyfriend how to wear eyeliner like that? Yummy.
Have a good un! Barring any blogger breakdowns, the questioning will continue.
posted by Southern Belle at 9:22 AM
2 Comments:
morgan, you are my hero
-kathleen
Yes, Katie my love, he is my fiance. But he's been my boyfriend for 7 years, so it's a little hard to change. And seriously, if Billie Joe is reading this, I don't want him to know I'm engaged (insert guttural, horny noise, slightly French).
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