I'm 87 in Celebrity Years

Yup. I'm 22. It's a good age. But it wasn't until I turned 22 that I started to feel really, really old. Maybe it's the whole marriage thing, or the whole selling-out thing, or the whole "Who do I have to screw to get a house in the Berkeley hills?" thing. Or maybe, and more possibly, it's the whole celebrity stalking thing. You see, everytime I get my fix looking at online celebrity stalkers, I feel older and older. And today, I feel roughly 87.

Case No. 1: Frances Bean Cobain. She's old now, and cute, and is a fan of American Idol. Hmmm. How did that happen? Wasn't she just tiny, like, two days ago? Wasn't there just an uproar about Ms. Love taking heroin while she was pregnant? Didn't that just happen? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just old. And yes, Frances Bean, (pinches cheeks) YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YO' DADDY, HONEY! DON'T SHE JUST LOOK JUST LIKE HIM? SHE'S KURT MADE OVER! Moving on...

Case No. 2: Mary-Kate Olsen. Am I crazy or do you also think it is wrong that she is being photographed beside of a leviathan of a man and it's not Bob Saget? Is that not disturbing? She now has a "lover?" WTF? We don't use that language in the Tanner household. Right? Right. No, Mary-Kate. You cannot be old enough for "lovers." Now run along: Comet needs a bath.

Case No. 3: Katie Holmes. Dear, you're not old enough for a fake relationship. What are you, like 16? Don't you belong on the WB? That's what I thought. And if Tom Cruise wants to prove his sexuality in a made-for-media circus that involves couch jumping and crack cocaine, let him fuck Eva Longoria just like everyone else. Now, get your shoes, Katie. We're going back to happy town where you belong.

Case No. 4: Lindsay Lohan. I can remember when she ate. What about that?

So yes, I'm a little long in the tooth. It's ok, though. I can now get senior citizen's discounts, and may finally see the charm in living in Williamsburg. Goody!