An Open Letter to the Woman on Maury Povich Right Now

Dear Woman,
Are you really 100% sure he’s the father of your baby? Because you’ve been yelling it for about 15 minutes now, but to tell you the truth, I’m not so sure. I’m glad that you’re so sure that the white guy wearing the huge medallion and a pair of pants that are large enough to outfit the entire country of Puerto Rico is the father figure to your son. But see—he’s white and you look like you might be Hispanic, but your kid’s a near clone of Samuel L. Jackson. Now genes are weird and stuff but really…are you really 100% sure? Maybe just 47%? Might be a safer guess…

But the thing is, do you really think this is the way to go? I mean, do you really think that going on national television to scream and flaunt your baby’s eyes that are “just like his’n ya’ll” is the best way to show that you are a responsible parent worthy of child support and, for that matter, life? More so, do you honestly think that wearing horizontal stripes on national TV was a good idea? Because you’re almost big enough to wear your baby’s daddy’s pants. No I’m not disrespecting you…I’m just saying.

You know lady, I consider myself a bleeding heart liberal. I read liberal news, I watch Michael Moore films, hell, I’m moving to freaking Berkeley, CA. But you and your kind make me want to become a republican. I don’t know if it’s your socioeconomic class or what it is but you people need to straighten up. For one, I am fucking sick of defending you to my Republican father, talking about how you just haven’t had the same opportunities as us or how capitalism just keeps tromping people like you. So I’m not going to do it anymore. You’re trash, you’re always going to be trash, and I’m with the Republicans on this one.

So, Lady on the Maury Povch show, you’ve just lost a defender.

Morg

This post is dedicated to Alex because I will never be able to hear someone say “I’m a 100% sure” without thinking of him.