And now--stay tuned for a wretched imitation of Dr. Phil...
Today I will be a good girl and keep my promise to the two people who posted their (many) questions for me and I will answer those questions with much glee. Yes, you read correctly. Much glee. Because I think I have found my calling in life: advice columnist. It could be Ask Morgan!, running in 522 newspapers nationwide, and feature a picture of me with my hand under my chin, looking demure yet knowledgeable. And I would live in upstate New York in a small cabin where I would receive torrents of emails a day from Harrowed Housewife in Hollywood and Sad Sack in Sheboygan. And I would publish books too, with everything from weight loss tips to sexual positions (How to Save Your Marriage in 10 Easy Steps!), and I would be quietly wealthy. Ahhh, yes. All because I was lonely in Sweva and posted a request for questions on my humble, unread blog. Ahhh, yes.
So without further adieu, here they are.
Shadojaq's Questions (which he doesn't really need answered as he is a knowledgeable, enlightened, near bodhisattva being):
My question is simple. Why the hell hasn't some one beat Bam Mangera to death? I have two possible solutions for this, but I must start by saying that this question is not very Buddhist of you, Shado. Nonetheless, here are my two answers: 1) His name is Bam, and so he intimdates people. I would not beat someone named Bam, just as I would not beat someone named Smack, Hurt, or Slam. 2) He is surrounded by big people that his parents have hired, merely because they know that they created the spawn of Satan, but having that parent/child relationship thing, don't want to see him killed before he can buy them a bigger house.
Wait I have another. Why hasn't the one joke Will And Grace been cancelled yet but the genius Carnival has been? I have to say that I have never seen Carnival, mostly because I only watch things that being with the words "In the criminal justice system..." or are featured on VH1. That said, I don't understand why Will and Grace is still on, as in my mind, it jumped the shark with that Harry Connick Jr thing. I will also say that tv executives are evil, unless they are that guy who decided putting Da Brat and Jane Wiedlin in the same house would be cool. That guy is a genius.
Oops, gotta another. Why isn't everyone a buddhist? It would make everything so much better. This I don't know. Mostly I would say that it is because as a race, we humans love strife. That's the reason behind professional wrestling, Survivor and any movie starring Wesley Snipes. We're a bunch of bastards, and it takes people like you, Bob, to change us.
When will it end? Tomorrow, according to some dude wearing a sign board that I saw in Kingsport, TN today.
Why does my mouth still taste like burning teeth? Because your insides burn with the desire for saving us from ourselves.
Why are my wounds still bleeding? I'm guessing that you didn't apply the tourniquet correctly.
When will we start realizing that we are all connected to one another? Right before the bomb/asteroid/fat guy in overalls hits. Which, you know, could be tomorrow.
And my lovely lovepot Katie asked:
hmmm...you do know you have just opened a can of worms, right? yes, I do, but I love worms and well, opening cans for that matter.
Why do I like unattainable guys? The same reason I have a deep desire for Billie Joe Armstrong: just because. Because it's fun, because you love being embroiled in drama, because you and I need something to laugh at. Just because.
What is this fascination with midget priests who like the sauce? 1. Midgets are cool. 2. Priests are always appropriately dressed. 3. The sauce automatically makes anyone better looking, even The Ramones interestingly enough.
Why do I want to finish college? Because you want to have a life that doesn't involve wearing a nametag.
Why do we have little hairs all over our body if we just shave them off? It is just God taunting you. That dude has some sense of humor, huh?
Why is Bam Margera such an asshole? His name is Bam. He doesn't have a choice. If your name was Splat, you'd be an asshole too.
Why do his parents put up with that little shit head? They want a bigger house/new car/introduction to Jessica Simpson.
Will I ever get to meet and woo my lovely Jake Gyllenhaal? Most likely. He wants you Katie. I saw him the other day in a picture, and his eyes just spoke to me. And they said, "I need Katie as much as Kirsten Dunst needs a philly cheesesteak injection. And, in case you haven't seen Kirsten lately, that's pretty bad."
Will I walk down the aisle to a David Bowie song like my mentor Morgan? First off, I am not a good mentor, so you should find someone better, like Jenna Jameson or that woman that sells Snapple. And yes, you will. Unless you marry Alex. In that case, you'll walk down the aisle while listening to power ballads and old Maury Povich episodes.
Could I pull off the bed sheet look? Honey, no one can pull of that look unless they a) have just had sex, and then it only works while in the friendly confines of the bedroom or b) are Angelina Jolie, who would look good in a Pringles can if we could find one big enough for her.
Why have all of my friends gone away? I don't know, but we all miss you incredibly.
Why do I continue to work at BAM even though I hate it? Because deep down you are in love with Joe Muggs and want to sire his babies. That, and you want to keep track of midget man for me.
Why are there like 50 different blog sites? Because people like this interweb of greatness, and they like it a lot. And they also like typing pseudo-personal things and thinking that someone in Latvia could read them and then steal their credit card information.
Why is it not all of my friends can decide on one, so I have to open up accounts on blogs I will never write in to comment on their blogs? Again, God's just having a little laugh at your expense.
What is the deal with pink polo shirts? I mean, c'mon. And what's the deal with airline food?
I will never be able to accept a man who wears a pink polo. This is not a question, but I will say that I will never accept him either unless a) He's Ewan McGregor or b) He's Billie Joe Armstrong just trying to be ironic. I would even smack my husband (in public) if he tried wearing that shit.
When will David Bowie rock out the hits again? Probably as soon he is up to it. I feel for the guy: he's old and he has a 5 year old. I'm willing to forgive him for not pumping them out as quickly as I need them.
Why does the new Real World suck hardcore, but I still watch it? I ask myself this question nearly everyday--I don't watch the Real World, but I have many, many more vices. And this is the answer I come up with everyday: It's on.
Why is it I can't seem to turn the volume of my voice down? Because you're lovable Katie-poopkins, and it's part of your charm. Not good for funerals, but charming none the less.
Will you buy me a laptop? No.
Pretty please? No.
How about an IPod? Only if you buy me one too.
Keep em coming. I seriously could make a career of this. Well, maybe not, but it's fun nonetheless.
So without further adieu, here they are.
Shadojaq's Questions (which he doesn't really need answered as he is a knowledgeable, enlightened, near bodhisattva being):
My question is simple. Why the hell hasn't some one beat Bam Mangera to death? I have two possible solutions for this, but I must start by saying that this question is not very Buddhist of you, Shado. Nonetheless, here are my two answers: 1) His name is Bam, and so he intimdates people. I would not beat someone named Bam, just as I would not beat someone named Smack, Hurt, or Slam. 2) He is surrounded by big people that his parents have hired, merely because they know that they created the spawn of Satan, but having that parent/child relationship thing, don't want to see him killed before he can buy them a bigger house.
Wait I have another. Why hasn't the one joke Will And Grace been cancelled yet but the genius Carnival has been? I have to say that I have never seen Carnival, mostly because I only watch things that being with the words "In the criminal justice system..." or are featured on VH1. That said, I don't understand why Will and Grace is still on, as in my mind, it jumped the shark with that Harry Connick Jr thing. I will also say that tv executives are evil, unless they are that guy who decided putting Da Brat and Jane Wiedlin in the same house would be cool. That guy is a genius.
Oops, gotta another. Why isn't everyone a buddhist? It would make everything so much better. This I don't know. Mostly I would say that it is because as a race, we humans love strife. That's the reason behind professional wrestling, Survivor and any movie starring Wesley Snipes. We're a bunch of bastards, and it takes people like you, Bob, to change us.
When will it end? Tomorrow, according to some dude wearing a sign board that I saw in Kingsport, TN today.
Why does my mouth still taste like burning teeth? Because your insides burn with the desire for saving us from ourselves.
Why are my wounds still bleeding? I'm guessing that you didn't apply the tourniquet correctly.
When will we start realizing that we are all connected to one another? Right before the bomb/asteroid/fat guy in overalls hits. Which, you know, could be tomorrow.
And my lovely lovepot Katie asked:
hmmm...you do know you have just opened a can of worms, right? yes, I do, but I love worms and well, opening cans for that matter.
Why do I like unattainable guys? The same reason I have a deep desire for Billie Joe Armstrong: just because. Because it's fun, because you love being embroiled in drama, because you and I need something to laugh at. Just because.
What is this fascination with midget priests who like the sauce? 1. Midgets are cool. 2. Priests are always appropriately dressed. 3. The sauce automatically makes anyone better looking, even The Ramones interestingly enough.
Why do I want to finish college? Because you want to have a life that doesn't involve wearing a nametag.
Why do we have little hairs all over our body if we just shave them off? It is just God taunting you. That dude has some sense of humor, huh?
Why is Bam Margera such an asshole? His name is Bam. He doesn't have a choice. If your name was Splat, you'd be an asshole too.
Why do his parents put up with that little shit head? They want a bigger house/new car/introduction to Jessica Simpson.
Will I ever get to meet and woo my lovely Jake Gyllenhaal? Most likely. He wants you Katie. I saw him the other day in a picture, and his eyes just spoke to me. And they said, "I need Katie as much as Kirsten Dunst needs a philly cheesesteak injection. And, in case you haven't seen Kirsten lately, that's pretty bad."
Will I walk down the aisle to a David Bowie song like my mentor Morgan? First off, I am not a good mentor, so you should find someone better, like Jenna Jameson or that woman that sells Snapple. And yes, you will. Unless you marry Alex. In that case, you'll walk down the aisle while listening to power ballads and old Maury Povich episodes.
Could I pull off the bed sheet look? Honey, no one can pull of that look unless they a) have just had sex, and then it only works while in the friendly confines of the bedroom or b) are Angelina Jolie, who would look good in a Pringles can if we could find one big enough for her.
Why have all of my friends gone away? I don't know, but we all miss you incredibly.
Why do I continue to work at BAM even though I hate it? Because deep down you are in love with Joe Muggs and want to sire his babies. That, and you want to keep track of midget man for me.
Why are there like 50 different blog sites? Because people like this interweb of greatness, and they like it a lot. And they also like typing pseudo-personal things and thinking that someone in Latvia could read them and then steal their credit card information.
Why is it not all of my friends can decide on one, so I have to open up accounts on blogs I will never write in to comment on their blogs? Again, God's just having a little laugh at your expense.
What is the deal with pink polo shirts? I mean, c'mon. And what's the deal with airline food?
I will never be able to accept a man who wears a pink polo. This is not a question, but I will say that I will never accept him either unless a) He's Ewan McGregor or b) He's Billie Joe Armstrong just trying to be ironic. I would even smack my husband (in public) if he tried wearing that shit.
When will David Bowie rock out the hits again? Probably as soon he is up to it. I feel for the guy: he's old and he has a 5 year old. I'm willing to forgive him for not pumping them out as quickly as I need them.
Why does the new Real World suck hardcore, but I still watch it? I ask myself this question nearly everyday--I don't watch the Real World, but I have many, many more vices. And this is the answer I come up with everyday: It's on.
Why is it I can't seem to turn the volume of my voice down? Because you're lovable Katie-poopkins, and it's part of your charm. Not good for funerals, but charming none the less.
Will you buy me a laptop? No.
Pretty please? No.
How about an IPod? Only if you buy me one too.
Keep em coming. I seriously could make a career of this. Well, maybe not, but it's fun nonetheless.
posted by Southern Belle at 10:18 PM
1 Comments:
I think that was by far the best question-answer thingie I have ever seen in my young years. It rocks....and so do you!
-Katie
Post a Comment
<< Home