An Open Invitation for Hungry People

All the discussions of my moving to California and of my girl Britney's white-trashtasticness has made me start pining for the ole homeland. To make matters worse, I watched some show on the Food Network last night where this big bosomed Southern woman was making popcorn balls and talking about her granny. Awww... So, I'm in the mood to fix some of my good old fashioned favorites (it says a lot about me that in order for me to feel a kinship with my homeland, I have to eat mass quantities of rich, buttery food). I want some chicken and dumplins, some fried chicken, some potato salad with hard boiled eggs and sweet pickles, a few deviled eggs, a big ole plate full of my excellent mashed potatoes (I swear, they are that good), and a few biscuits with sweet butter. I want a goddamned rhubarb pie. The thing is, though, to fix these big meals, you've gotta have a lot of people eating. So I'm taking applications for some eaters. I need people to come see me and make yummy noises and use the word "ya'll" in conversation. This would make me feel better. So send me a note, and I'll throw a slice of pie your way.

Britney's publicist is now saying that she didn't say it was a girl, that they misquoted her and that she and Brit are seeking legal action. Gee whiz. All it did was make us all excited that there was a chance that we wouldn't have another K-Fed running around. But, to be fair, we need to consider some male names as well. I'm thinking...

1) Cletus
2) Marlboro
3) Jason. Or Alexander. Double your choices there.
4) Federguy. Federguy Federline. I like that one. And it would be easy for Britney to remember. She's so busy, you know.
5) Chuck
6) Louis. Named for the great state of Louisiana of course.
7) Justice. I mean, you don't want to come right out and name it Justin, and if you change it like that, the guy who should (if the planets were not aligned against us all) be the daddy will be honored. Seriously.
8) Anything that ends in two e's. Johnee, Timee, Davee, Rickee. I smell an MTV reality show!

Further, a British tabloid is reporting that Britney will return to work three months after the birth. I know I'll sleep better tonight knowing that I'll get to hear all new lip-syncing sooner than I thought. And just think...it'll be about motherhood. Sigh.

And to all who didn't know it, my mom is cool. She told me this morning that she's got to restart Anna Karenina, but she's going to do it after she makes some chicken salad and some iced tea, because that's much more important. I love my mom.

Have a good un! I'm sure I'll be back later with more goodies for ya. Because I've got my eye on Brit, and will leave no false tabloid unturned in my quest for the pseudo-truth.