Coming Clean
For those of you who don't know, I am getting married on June 4. Yes, my little savory onion tartlets, in a little over four days, I'm going to be someone's wife. And while this is very, very strange, it's also somewhat nice, and warrants a series of confessions on my part. So in the spirit of coming clean, and the spirit of wasting time while Matt reads Platonov (yes, it's May and he's already doing homework for September), I present to you a list of every man I have found attractive in that burning, desire-ridden way, making no allowances for people who were attractive for their minds/sense of humor/ability to remember Milli Vanilli lyrics. With this list, I expunge them from my soul.
1. Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What? Didn't you?
2. Billie Joe Armstrong. Since I was 12. It's unexplainable. I tie it to two things: eyeliner and er...I cannot think of another redeeming quality, but it's there, and for some reason, I love this man.
3. Billy Corgan. I was 13. Didn't know he was a wretched, wretched poet yet. Loved the sound of whining.
4. A guy whose name was Milton Stapleton. I was 13, he was 22. You can see what potential it had. He had good hair.
5. Gavin Rossdale. I was able to overlook the whole Bush thing. Damn you, Gwen Stefani. Damn you and the whole country of Japan.
6. Michael Madsen. This, I know, is odd, especially given his current state (ref. gofugyourself). But watch Thelma and Louise. Hot, I tell you. Hot.
7. Rivers Cuomo. Love a man in glasses.
8. This guy I met at a drama camp, whose name (I think) was Travis. He worked at Food Country in Abingdon, VA. He wanted to be the next James Dean. Good luck with that.
9. Johnny Depp. No explanation needed.
10. Jake Gyllenhaal. Again, I feel no need to explain.
11. David Bowie. This man can move like nobody's business, and despite his age, continuously toasts my waffle in the best way.
12. Peter Gallagher. It's the eyebrows.
13. Prof. Jacob Kinnard. The only man in America who can get me up for a 9:00 class on religion. Seriously.
14. The cooking guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, even though I know he's off limits.
15. Slash from Guns and Roses and now that other band, whatever they are called. It's the hair. And the Jack.
And, of course, Matt, because he has excellent hair (it needs to be cut) and he wears glasses.
I feel like I should say five Billie Joe's or something in order to get full expiation, but since I'm not sure how that would work, I'm going to leave it with that. Have a good un, and watch for more confessions.
1. Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What? Didn't you?
2. Billie Joe Armstrong. Since I was 12. It's unexplainable. I tie it to two things: eyeliner and er...I cannot think of another redeeming quality, but it's there, and for some reason, I love this man.
3. Billy Corgan. I was 13. Didn't know he was a wretched, wretched poet yet. Loved the sound of whining.
4. A guy whose name was Milton Stapleton. I was 13, he was 22. You can see what potential it had. He had good hair.
5. Gavin Rossdale. I was able to overlook the whole Bush thing. Damn you, Gwen Stefani. Damn you and the whole country of Japan.
6. Michael Madsen. This, I know, is odd, especially given his current state (ref. gofugyourself). But watch Thelma and Louise. Hot, I tell you. Hot.
7. Rivers Cuomo. Love a man in glasses.
8. This guy I met at a drama camp, whose name (I think) was Travis. He worked at Food Country in Abingdon, VA. He wanted to be the next James Dean. Good luck with that.
9. Johnny Depp. No explanation needed.
10. Jake Gyllenhaal. Again, I feel no need to explain.
11. David Bowie. This man can move like nobody's business, and despite his age, continuously toasts my waffle in the best way.
12. Peter Gallagher. It's the eyebrows.
13. Prof. Jacob Kinnard. The only man in America who can get me up for a 9:00 class on religion. Seriously.
14. The cooking guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, even though I know he's off limits.
15. Slash from Guns and Roses and now that other band, whatever they are called. It's the hair. And the Jack.
And, of course, Matt, because he has excellent hair (it needs to be cut) and he wears glasses.
I feel like I should say five Billie Joe's or something in order to get full expiation, but since I'm not sure how that would work, I'm going to leave it with that. Have a good un, and watch for more confessions.
posted by Southern Belle at 9:01 PM
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