The Southern Comforted Guide to Marriage
Maybe I'm a trendsetter. Maybe people need togetherness in this time of chaos and war. Maybe it's the promise of reality show millions. But whatever the reason, a shit load of people announced their engagement or marriage over the Memorial Day weekend (it, of course, being a thoroughly romantic holiday and all). This morning I have read about the engagment of Paris to Paris and Katie to Tom and the marriage of Demi to Ashton. Now whether this is actually true or not, I don't know. But let's assume that it is. That's a shit load of people, don't you think?
So, in the spirit of helping out those who are in the same shape that I am, I give you the Southern Comforted Guide to Marriage.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, marry someone who is a practicing Scientologist. Ok? I mean, if you want someone who is involved in a pseudo-religious cult that preys on the minds and pocketbooks of weak-minded celebrities, I'm sure Madonna knows someone who could fulfill your needs without all of that pesky couch-pounding.
2. Is your future spouse wearing a trucker hat? If so, answer these questions: 1) Are they a trucker? 2) Did that hat come free with a quart of oil? If the answer is "no" to either of these questions (or, really, even if it is yes), seriously consider your options.
3. Is your future spouse literate? It's always a good idea to check to make sure. A prenup isn't worth the paper that it is written on if he or she can't read it (ahem, Britney).
4. Marriage is a sacred institution. Wear underpants to your ceremony.
5. Once married, do not, under any circumstances, allow your spouse to go anywhere near Angelina Jolie. If you do, well, you're stupid, and you deserve it.
6. Same goes for Johnny Knoxville, strangely enough.
7. When planning a wedding, invite P. Diddy. This adds some sort of legitimacy to the whole process, and he probably won't bring a blender as a gift (unlike everyone else you invited).
8. Remember: the more money you spend on the actual wedding, the fewer hookers/male escorts you can get later when the sex just really gets bad. Spend a little now, reap the rewards later.
9. Why have a champagne toast when you can do Jell-O shots? Be creative, and yours will be a wedding that no one will forget.
10. In order to ensure timely delivery, make sure you order your wedding parties' velour tracksuits 4-6 weeks in advance.
But my main advice is this: Have fun. Marriage is a fun thing, and whether you are doing it for the love of publicity or the love of your future spouse's insurance plan, it's all in what you make it. Good luck, and may your future reality shows be at least a tad more entertaining than Chaotic.
So, in the spirit of helping out those who are in the same shape that I am, I give you the Southern Comforted Guide to Marriage.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, marry someone who is a practicing Scientologist. Ok? I mean, if you want someone who is involved in a pseudo-religious cult that preys on the minds and pocketbooks of weak-minded celebrities, I'm sure Madonna knows someone who could fulfill your needs without all of that pesky couch-pounding.
2. Is your future spouse wearing a trucker hat? If so, answer these questions: 1) Are they a trucker? 2) Did that hat come free with a quart of oil? If the answer is "no" to either of these questions (or, really, even if it is yes), seriously consider your options.
3. Is your future spouse literate? It's always a good idea to check to make sure. A prenup isn't worth the paper that it is written on if he or she can't read it (ahem, Britney).
4. Marriage is a sacred institution. Wear underpants to your ceremony.
5. Once married, do not, under any circumstances, allow your spouse to go anywhere near Angelina Jolie. If you do, well, you're stupid, and you deserve it.
6. Same goes for Johnny Knoxville, strangely enough.
7. When planning a wedding, invite P. Diddy. This adds some sort of legitimacy to the whole process, and he probably won't bring a blender as a gift (unlike everyone else you invited).
8. Remember: the more money you spend on the actual wedding, the fewer hookers/male escorts you can get later when the sex just really gets bad. Spend a little now, reap the rewards later.
9. Why have a champagne toast when you can do Jell-O shots? Be creative, and yours will be a wedding that no one will forget.
10. In order to ensure timely delivery, make sure you order your wedding parties' velour tracksuits 4-6 weeks in advance.
But my main advice is this: Have fun. Marriage is a fun thing, and whether you are doing it for the love of publicity or the love of your future spouse's insurance plan, it's all in what you make it. Good luck, and may your future reality shows be at least a tad more entertaining than Chaotic.
posted by Southern Belle at 11:16 AM
2 Comments:
You may also add Kathleen and Jeremy to your list as we have now moved on to the "fiancee" title, although we have no cool names like Kfed or PDiddy, or Tom cruise. I'm thinking about you, as the days creeps closer to the fourth (perhaps it feels as if it's flying for you though). I better see you before you leave forever!
-Kathleen
HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A STICK! Congrats, Cap'n K! And you will see me. Expect an email in the not so distant future.
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