Wisdom Garnered from High School Dropouts

I have so much to do right now that I really shouldn't be taking the time to write this, but here it is at any rate. Sometimes writing stuff down is the only way I can really tell how to feel or even if feeling is necessary at the time. So this is it:

I am getting married on Saturday and my grandmother is laying in an ICU ward in a coma with her kidneys shutting down. This is problematic.

I feel so totally helpless, being up here in Williamsburg, so I'm heading out to Sweva, three days before my wedding, eschewing all hope of the pedicure and manicure that I was getting ready to spend every last red cent of my graduation money on. And that's selfish. My grandmother is dying, and just like in her life, I fear that no one really cares. We had all left her, off to our own selfish little lives, while she tried to live and catch our attention every once in a while. And I'm the worse. I'm the one who cared while I was there, but was all to ready to leave and never come back when the time came, who was all too willing to sacrifice a sense of home for some illusion of finding what I believe and learning some arbitrary things about literature. I'm the one who could have made a difference, but instead chose to head off to California to find some stupid dreams which escape me now.

And the worse thing is, I'm sitting here, my grandmother dying hundreds of miles away, and I'm thinking about my stupid wedding, and what this will do to it. How awful is that? I'm lamenting my lost pedicure and the fact that I'm not going to be able to make it out to J.Crew to buy some things to wear on the honeymoon. I don't want my grandmother to die, of course, but I fear that what I'm really worried about is me. I feel like such a troll.

Maybe there is a reason that families stick together in most ancient societies. Maybe it was a way to show everyone that they mattered, and then no one had to feel guilty and stupid because they went off on their own in a sad attempt to be the well-dressed, accomplished cousin and ended up forgetting about everything that really mattered.

I'm such a bad, selfish person.